Quidditch Match
by AppleJuiceMaster
Summary: Remember the Quidditch Match in the first movie? Yeah? Well, THAT was the censored version. THIS is the uncensored version! Insanity ahoy!!


Ever wondered what REALLY happened during the Quidditch match in the first movie? No? Oh well. Here's it anyway.  
  
Disclaimer: AI DOE NOET 0WAN ENEE CRATEKERZ OER NEEMAS. KTHX.  
Harry: (singing) Broomstick, broomstick, broomstick fairy princess!  
  
Hooch: Listen up, little pieces of Gryffindor shit, and lovely Slytherins, I want a nice clean figh- Match, I mean. Yeah, MATCH. Which means Slytherin can beat the crap out of the Gryffindors. BEGIN!  
  
Lee Jordan: Aaaaand there we go, the first Quidditch match of the season, with the new Gryffindor Seeker, Harry Pothea... Potter! Yeah, POTTER!  
  
Some Gryffindor throws the Quaffle trough the hoop.  
  
Lee: TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR!  
  
Snape: Shit.  
  
Gryffindors: YAAAAAY!!!  
  
Harry: Tee hee!! (Lets go of his broomstick and nearly get smacked in the guts by a Bludger) Oh dear!  
  
Ron: AHHH BE CAREFUL, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!  
  
Another Gryffindor scores.  
  
Lee: ANOTHER TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR!!!  
  
Snape: (Lights up cigarette) Shit part two.  
  
Quirrel: Smoking is bad for you.  
  
Snape: No it isn't. You're just a wuss.  
  
Quirrel: (pouts)  
  
Marcus Flint: WHERE ARE MY BRACES?!!  
  
Oliver Wood: Dude, what happened to YOU?!!  
Marcus: I shall not tolerate this kind of language. Give me your bat!  
  
Slytherin Beater: Not now, honey. Tonight.  
  
Marcus: Your BEATERS BAT!!!!  
  
Slytherin Beater: Oh... (hands Marcus his bat)  
  
Marcus: Say cheese! (smacks a Bludger in Oliver's direction)  
  
Oliver: Argh, my nuts!! (Falls down, from about 20 feet)  
  
Marcus: Haw haw.  
  
Harry: OH NO!!!!!! (starts sobbing)  
  
Snape: God, I love Quidditch...  
  
Gryffindor girls (and some boys): Nooo!! Oliver!!!!! Damn... no hot Scottish lovin' for us tonight...  
  
A Slytherin scores!!  
  
Lee: Er... Ten... erm... points for er... Slytherin... Damn.  
  
Snape: FINALLY!!!! (does the wave)  
  
Another Slytherin scores! YAY!  
  
Snape: (Does little victory dance) Ah uh ah uh ahhhh... Gryffindor is OWNED by Slytherin!!  
  
SUDDENLY, Harry's broomstick (QUIDDITCH broomstick) begins to act weird.  
  
Hagrid: Eh!?  
  
Ron: AHHH NOOO, HARRY!!!!!!! What's going on?!!!  
  
Hermoine: (Holding binocular) O my, Snape is watching at Harry with an intense expression and is muttering something!!!  
  
Snape: (muttering to himself) I want chicken, I want liver, meow mix, meow mix, please deliver...  
  
Hermoine: Time to save the day... I mean, the Harry!  
  
Harry: Er... Help?!!!!  
  
Hermoine runs wickedly fast, because she runs from one side of the stadium to the other, climbing on and off stairs in 15 seconds.  
  
Snape: I want chicken, I want liv- ARGH ITCH!!!! (does a sudden movement to scratch his back and his cigarette drops on his cloak) ARGH! FIRE!!!! (pushes Quirrel to stamp on his cloak)  
  
Quirrel: (screams like a little girl)  
  
Hermoine: Damn. Now I can't act like *I* did it.  
  
Harry: Yay, my broomstick is okay again.  
  
Lee: And the Gryffindor seeker is back on his broomstick again...*snorts* Tee hee...  
  
Harry suddenly sees the Snitch, and GOES AFTER IT!  
  
Terence Higgs: I'm seeing the Snitch, but not catching it. I'm seeing the Snitch...  
  
Harry: Oh you silly idiot.  
  
Terence: You zebra bastard! (Kicks Harry)  
  
Harry: Oh dear! (Falls forwards, and lands on the grass)  
  
Terence: Now where the Hell did that Snitch go...  
  
Harry: (Looks like he's going to puke)  
  
Hagrid: Looks like he's goin' to be sick!  
  
Ron: No shit, Sherlock...  
  
Harry spits out the Snitch.  
  
(ALMOST) everyone cheers.  
  
Snape: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!! HE SWALLOWED THE DAMN SNITCH, HE DIDN'T CATCH IT!!!!! YOU ZEBRA FUCKER!!!!!!  
  
Ron: Yay!!! (hugs Hagrid)  
  
Hagrid: The best thing about Weasleys is that there are so many!!  
  
And this, my friends, is the True story of the Quidditch match, Slytherin vs. Gryffindor. Please review, or else Marcus will beat you with the bat. QUIDDITCH bat. Heh. 


End file.
